Last week, I came across an amazing article from The Atlantic entitled “All the Single Ladies” by Kate Bolick.  The article spoke to me and it is something that I haven’t really been able to get out of my head since I read it.  As I tried to forge a way toward a successful NaNoWriMo (I failed miserably), this topic was central to my writing process.  I wanted to describe a woman’s struggle in deciding between the comforts of a relationship and the possibilities of a single life.  This is a topic that has plagued me for quite a while now as I played with the idea of “taking a break” from the relationship that I have been in for four years now.  In this article, Bolick describes the implications of the modern day “gender crisis” on marriage and the notion of  single ladies:

It’s something a lot of people might want to consider, given that now, by choice or by circumstance, more and more of us (women and men), across the economic spectrum, are spending more years of our adult lives unmarried than ever before. The numbers are striking: The Census Bureau has reported that in 2010, the proportion of married households in America dropped to a record low of 48 percent. Fifty percent of the adult population is single (compared with 33 percent in 1950)—and that portion is very likely to keep growing, given the variety of factors that contribute to it. The median age for getting married has been rising, and for those who are affluent and educated, that number climbs even higher. (Indeed, Stephanie Coontz told me that an educated white woman of 40 is more than twice as likely to marry in the next decade as a less educated woman of the same age.) Last year, nearly twice as many single women bought homes as did single men. And yet, what are our ideas about single people? Perverted misanthropes, crazy cat ladies, dating-obsessed shoe shoppers, etc.—all of them some form of terribly lonely. (In her 2008 memoir, Epilogue, a 70-something Anne Roiphe muses: “There are millions of women who live alone in America. Some of them are widows. Some of them are divorced and between connections, some of them are odd, loners who prefer to keep their habits undisturbed.” That’s a pretty good representation of her generation’s notions of unmarried women.)

As I read this I realized something a little sad about myself: since the age of thirteen years old, I have never really been single for more than a couple of weeks.  I am what some might call a serial dater.  I just can’t seem to fathom the idea of being alone.  I am a hopeless romantic.  My relationships always escalate quickly.  This is why I have always had incredibly painful breakups.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I can be fearless when it comes to forging new bonds but I am terrified at the prospect of breaking those bonds.  I am never the one to end a relationship.  I have stayed in horrible relationships in the past because I believed that toughing it out would be better than being alone.  I always took comfort in being able to say that I had someone.

But that comfort came at a price.  Despite all of my passion for women’s issues and feminism, I am not what one would call an independent woman.  I can’t thrive on my own.  And maybe I am wording that the wrong way.  Because financially, I could find a way to support myself if I decided to ditch my boyfriend and live the single life.  I am not a housewife, but emotionally and socially, I am very dependent on my boyfriend.  Years ago, I ditched many of my closest girlfriends (or maybe they ditched me, I have never been fully certain of what happened there).  And I found myself increasingly dependent on my boyfriend for emotional and social fulfillment.  And to this day I still am.  Sure, I am making new friends and forging new bonds with people, but at the end of the day, I still depend on the domestic comfort of knowing that when I go home, he will be there for me.

And I can’t help but wonder, am I setting my relationship up for failure?  As I move toward the prospect of marriage, I am worried that I am setting myself up to fall into a horrible trap:

When a couple’s relationship is strong, a marriage can be more fulfilling than ever. But by overloading marriage with more demands than any one individual can possibly meet, we unduly strain it, and have fewer emotional systems to fall back on if the marriage falters.

And so I am sitting here wondering, how do I avoid becoming the epitome of what I despise?  I don’t want to be one of those girls dependent on a man for self-fulfillment.  And yet, I see myself on that path.  How do I balance out my relationship?  What do I do to rediscover that I am my own key to happiness?  How do I debunk the myths and focus on my own reality?  How do I move forward in my relationship without losing myself?

I have been working on a comeback for some time now.

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On August 23, 2011, I hastily wrote my last post.  It was a review that I had committed to before the absolute madness of student teaching began.  When I wrote the post, I didn’t write it with any sense of finality.  I thought that in a few days, I would be writing another post.  But then, I never got around to that…

Usually, when life gets hectic, I write a hiatus post.  I forget about writing.  I forget the importance of taking care of myself.  I forget the importance of making time to reflect on what I’m doing.  I forget about the people I love.  I forget about the communities that have supported me.  I forget how incredibly wonderful it can be to get comments from people who understand where I’m coming from.  I forget about why I started blogging in the first place.

I started blogging when I was a teenager.  I created and kept up a livejournal.  I had very few followers but it was still really nice to have a public forum to voice my opinion.  I wrote mostly about my life.  There were a lot of sappy posts about break ups and make ups, but the point was that I was writing.  I was reflecting on my life.  I was voicing my opinion about things that mattered to me.  The few people who did read my posts were supportive.  They were my friends.  They gave advice.  They gave my writing purpose.

Fast forward a couple years, and you will discover a more mature me creating what is now www.justicejennifer.com.  Initially, it was just a wordpress blog that hosted book reviews.  I created it as a challenge to myself to read more.  I wanted to structure my reading and create a place where I could go back to my reflections on what I read.  Now it is a self hosted blog.  I own the domain name.  I created the layout.  And yet I still don’t write posts nearly enough.  And my reason for infrequent posts?  I don’t make the time to read.

But I still can make the time to write.  I purposefully changed the name of my blog when I purchased the domain from Justice Jennifer Reads to simply Justice Jennifer.  I think even back then I knew that my blog would not always be all about books.  As much as I love to read, I love to write more.  I love to live.  And right now, I am in the midst of an incredible journey.  I think that for a while, I am going to focus a bit more on that.  I’m still paving my way.  I’m still creating a vision for my blog.  Books and reading and writing will always play a major role on this blog, but they will no longer be the only thing I write about.  My tag line is books, life, words … I think that it is time for me to focus a little more on the life and words section of this blog.  I will keep you all apprised as my vision for the future of the blog solidifies but for now, bear with me.  I will be in a beta testing mode for a while.

But at least I’m back.

I love getting the opportunity to take part in any TLC Book Tour.  Unfortunately, this one came along when I was incredibly busy with a very rigid schedule that isn’t leaving me nearly enough time for reading!  Still, as soon as I got this book, I desperately wanted to read it!  The subject matter is incredibly intriguing even if the writing is a bit dry at times.  I love history writing but this book is more of a psychological examination of some very prominent historical characters.  Even though it was a little different than I had originally expected, I really enjoyed it and I feel like I learned a lot!

Many of you have probably heard some talk about the close link between genius and insanity.  Ghaemi takes this claim and explores it more in depth.  He asserts that mental illness does not lead to genius per se, but it can lead to some really great leadership skills like creativity, realism, empathy, and resilience.  Many of my favorite historical leaders were successful because they were dealing with mental illnesses that provided them with this arsenal of valuable skills for leading during times of turmoil: Lincoln, Churchill Ghandi, Roosevelt, Martin Luther King Jr.

Ghaemi makes you rethink cause and effect relationships related to mental illness.  For example, many people think that Churchill was depressed because of his isolation when in fact it was more probable that his isolation was probably caused because of the depressive fits associated with his bipolar disorder.  Ultimately, this leads one to wonder, does genius lead to insanity or does insanity actually lead to the traits that we expect of a genius?

Also I found it really interesting to see a bit of the evolution of treatment options for those suffering from mental illness.  Luckily, as science has evolved, more treatment options for those dealing with mental illness have become available.  Back in Lincoln’s day, the most common treatment was … bleeding!  Unfortunately, one thing that hasn’t changed enough is the way mental illnesses are treated.  I have found that people are still hesitant to discuss mental illness (perhaps this is because the word illness automatically leads to the assumption that something is wrong!).  Anyway, my point is that I really enjoyed reading about some of the positive effects of these so called mental illnesses.  This book challenged some things that I thought I knew about depression and bipolar disorder and I will probably be doing more reading on this subject in the future (although maybe in a more fiction-based easier to read format).

For more information about the author, S. Nassir Ghaemi, you can visit his website by clicking here.

A special thanks to everyone at TLC Book Tours and apologies for getting this post up a little later than expected.  I found that after spending hours with my educational psychology reading, it was difficult for me to jump into some historical psychology reading.  I’ll have to plan better then next time I accept a book to review!

And lastly, because I love a little discussion, I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject of mental health/illness.  And if there was any historical figure that you could learn about the mental health of, who would it be?

After a short unexpected hiatus I return to you all with a short review of the book that kept me reading even when life got unbelievably hectic.

For a while now I have seen Jill Mansell’s name around the blogosphere.  There seems to be a general consensus that her books are fun light reads perfect for decompressing after a busy day.  Mansell also happens to be fabulously British and since I have developed a bit of an obsession with all things British I decided to pick up her book Miranda’s Big Mistake when my life turned hectic and my reading became infrequent.

I bought the book on sale via Amazon for the kindle app on my iPad a while back.  I can’t turn down books that are less than $5, it is just too good to be true!  However, I spent most of my summer trying to read some more challenging literature.  I had planned to read some more of the classics and a good dose of nonfiction.  But then school started and I discovered that I didn’t want for read nonfiction after spending hours and hours with my educational psychology book.  No, I wanted something fun that wouldn’t require too much deep thinking.

Miranda’s Big Mistake was the perfect book for me.  It is funny with lovable characters and a plot that actually has a few twists that I didn’t really see coming.  The general plot line is this: Miranda meets who she believes to be the perfect gentleman at a cocktail party.  Things with Greg get pretty seriously pretty quickly.  However, Greg isn’t being entirely truthful with Miranda.  While his falling for her, he also happens to be married (he abandoned his wife when she got pregnant).  So I think we can all agree that Greg sounds like a total jerk, but the question still remains — how do you recover when someone hurts you like that?  How do you trust again when you are breathed so brutally?

I saw bits and pieces of myself in Miranda.  She lets herself fall in love quickly.  She isn’t afraid to follow her heart but when it breaks, it shatters.  Mirada makes mistakes — a lot of them — but she doesn’t let those mistakes inhibit her.  She continues to take chances and I really admire that about her.  While this book was pretty light and fluffy, it did still get me thinking.  I was thinking about the mistakes that I have made and the effect that those mistakes still have on my life.  I believe that it is important to make mistakes and recover from those mistakes.  They make us resilient, which is important.  Life never really goes according to plan.  Things don’t always go according to plan.  However, in all of that chaos there is a sense of safety.  No matter how bad things seem to get, there is always the possibility of change.

Do you make mistakes?  How do you recover from your mistakes?  

I love romantic comedies.  They tend to be great date movies: there is the comedy part for the boy and the romance part for the girl.  When I saw the trailer for Crazy Stupid Love, I knew that I needed to see it before the summer was over.  It had an all star cast, looked painfully funny (the trailer had my laughing), and was about love.  I love movies about love and I have developed a bit of a girl crush on Emma Stone (I kind of have a thing for sassy girls with red hair).  So on my last day of freedom before school started for me (Sunday), the boyfriend took me to go see this.  I loved it.

First of all, I have to tell you, I wasn’t a Ryan Gosling fan before this movie.  I haven’t seen The Notebook (even though I know many girls swoon at the mere thought of him in that movie) or any of his other movies.  After this movie, I am a huge fan.  He is going to be starring in an upcoming political thriller with George Clooney called The Ides of March that looks REALLY good.  Check out the trailer if you have a chance.  He is now on my actors to watch list.  His character was one of my favorites in this movie because he grew so much and I am a sucker for personal growth.  I also couldn’t help but love how good he looks in a suit!

I’ll keep this review short and just say, go and see this movie if you have a chance.  It’s a fun movie that I think has a little something for almost everyone.  I went from laughing hysterically to on the verge of tears in the course of the movie.  It even had a few plot twists and turns that I didn’t see coming.  I always love finding a movie that can surprise me.  I didn’t expect to enjoy this movie as much as I actually did, which is definitely saying something.

And since this review is short, I’m going to leave you with a question that the movie had me thinking about:

What is the craziest thing you have ever done for love?

In high school, I was a bit boy crazy so I did a lot of crazy things and told myself that it was in the name of love.  However, I’m not sure that any of them should be recorded here.  It is better that they remain hidden away in the recess of my memory (or old journal).  I have lied for love, which seems a bit counter intuitive, but at the time it seemed necessary.  I never stole or cheated for love except for a few times where I suppose it could be said that I cheated myself by not being true to myself, but I’m not sure that is really crazy — its more just self deprecating.  So ultimately, I’m not sure that I have ever really done anything crazy for love.  However, I have had a few guys do some crazy things for me.  I’m not sure if this is something to be proud of or ashamed of … I’m throwing it out there either way.

And as I write this, I can’t help but wonder if the mere act of falling in love isn’t a little crazy to begin with.  The idea that we put ourselves out there vulnerable to the pain of heartbreak is crazy.  This is especially true of people who love again after the dreadful ache of having their heart broken.  I know that no amount of heartache would keep me from searching for love.  I guess that is part of the point of this movie.  Love is definitely crazy and stupid, but no matter how much we might want to avoid it … love seems to always find a way.